MASKS IN RECOVERY
WHO AM I : MASKS WE WEAR IN RECOVERY
Halloween is the night of 31 October, the eve of All Saints’ Day, often celebrated by children dressing up in frightening masks and costumes. Something the rest of us tend to do well for the rest of the year as adults. By wearing masks, we will be more prone to take more candy than we would if we weren’t wearing one. Halloween also seems to bring out excesses in adults. Did you know that costumed Halloween celebrators tend to have higher blood alcohol readings than people in plain clothes? There are also substantially increased levels of vandalism and property destruction, and many more examples. So what role does being hidden behind a mask play in your, or your loved ones lives?
The mask itself is the image of ourselves that we present to others. It is a defence mechanism. It is our false identity that was developed in response to an unsafe and demanding environment, out of fear. We have different reasons for using this type of mask. We may want to protect ourselves from getting hurt or rejected by others. We may want to become what others want us to be, in order to be accepted by them. Perhaps we feel no one would like or love who we truly are, so we hide who we truly are. Or we might not like ourselves that much so we try to pretend to be like someone else. We try be someone instead of just being human; we are human beings after all! Getting over ourselves is tantamount to living a life worth living, if we believe anything at all about spirituality and or the service orientated 12 steps of addiction recovery. “We became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life.” AA big book. To allow this to happen as the Big Book says we need a certain amount of authenticity in our lives. Masks, just won’t do. They keep us stuck, lost in secrets, and often without the masks we feel like drowning in shame rather than being authentic. Thus, it’s true that “recovery is about living more in truth than in lies… it’s about facing reality and growing up.” as Pia Mellody once said.
PLEASE HEAR WHAT I’M NOT SAYING – CHARLES C. FINN SEPTEMBER 1966
Don’t be fooled by me. Don’t be fooled by the face I wear For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
Masks that I’m afraid to take off and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me, But don’t be fooled – for God’s sake don’t be fooled.
I give you the impression that I’m secure,That all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without,
That confidence is my name and coolness my game, That the water’s calm and I’m in command and that I need no one, But don’t believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask, Ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence. Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don’t want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, A nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope and I know it. That is, if it’s followed by acceptance, if it’s followed by love.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself, From my own self-built prison walls, From the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It’s the only thing that will assure me of what I can’t assure myself, That I’m really worth something.
But I don’t tell you this. I don’t dare to, I’m afraid to. I’m afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
Will not be followed by love. I’m afraid you’ll think less of me, That you’ll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I’m afraid that deep-down I’m nothing And that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, With a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, And my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that’s really nothing, And nothing of what’s everything of what’s crying within me.
So when I’m going through my routine do not be fooled by what I’m saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying, what I’d like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can’t say.
I don’t like hiding. I don’t like playing superficial phony games. I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me But you’ve got to help me.
You’ve got to hold out your hand even when that’s the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you’re kind and gentle and encouraging,
Each time you try to understand because you really care, My heart begins to grow wings – very small wings,
Very feeble wings, but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me, How you can be a creator – an honest-to-God creator
Of the person that is me if you choose to. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
You alone can remove my mask, You alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
From my lonely prison – if you choose to. Please choose to.
Do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back. It’s irrational, but despite what the books say about man, often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
And in this lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands but gentle hands For a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every man you meet
And I am every woman you meet.
For further help with addiction, depression or delusion contact us at info@pathwaysplettrehab.co.za
