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Healing Addiction though Shame and powerlessness
Two words that both put people off right there and then, and also attract a huge amount of negative criticism. It’s frequently cited by critics of 12-step groups as a tool used to disempower, or even brainwash, members. And then there is shame. Shame often results from broken relationships. When people treat us in a shaming manner, they’re implying that relationships are conditional, we’ve failed as a person, and aren’t worthy of relationships. This can lead to emotional, spiritual, and sometimes physical isolation. To recover from shame, we need to remove the isolation barrier and build in its place supportive and accepting relationships.
Whenever I have clients who regularly attend Twelve Step groups but who don’t seem to be making progress on reducing shame and powerlessness, I ask them to quote the First Step. Frequently, their response is, “Admitted I am powerless …” I often stop them thee, saying, “It sound like you forgot what I think is the most important word, the WE, as in ‘we admitted we were powerless …’ Perhaps you’ve overlooked the key to the program. Maybe that’s one reason you’re struggling.” Typically, these people are trying to recover alone, which is difficult and unnecessary. Remember, the Twelve Step program was founded on one addict helping him – or herself by helping others. It’s one of the reasons the Steps work. Sponsorship helps for the same reason. A sponsor may say, “Your recovery matters. You matter. I’m here because you’re worth knowing and helping.” This is hard to accept if we’re shame-based people to whom even positive attention triggers shame. It may seem easier to do without a sponsor, to try to slip in and out of meetings unnoticed, or to have a sponsor in name only and never develop a real relationship. When beginning recovery and our journey through shame and powerlessness, it’s important for us to “act as if.” If we wait until we think we’re worthy of a support group and nurturing experiences, we may never get around to beginning recovery. We need to act as if we deserve kind treatment. As we behave differently, we begin to feel and think differently and then we are different. Our new, healthier attitudes and behaviour will begin to seen natural. Never underestimate shame and powerlessness…more people have been made addicts by trying to avoid these two friends.
A ritual introduction is one technique that Twelve Step meetings use to reduce shame. Frequently, meetings start with someone saying, “Hello, I’m Jackie (or whoever) and I’m an addict.” The dreaded secret is out. But no one runs screaming from the room; everyone looks at her and says, “Hi, Jackie!” She has begun a relationship with a roomful of people, and her shame has started decreasing. Another shame reducer is people telling their story. What happens during a speaker meeting or a group First Step meeting is that someone describes the process of his or her addiction and recovery, and might feel shameful. The healing occurs because nobody leaves while the speaker is feeling shame. This maintains the relationship between speaker and listener. Further, people make comments such as, “I know what that’s like. I did that too.” The speaker no longer feels alone in facing this challenge.
Having a Sense of Control through shame and powerlessness.
What a paradox that can sound like! Once we admit we’re out of control we may begin having a sense of control. Powerlessness means that as a practicing addict we didn’t have a choice of behaviour. Our addiction forced us o behave the way we did. If we believe that we chose to act the way we did, hurting ourselves and others, we’ll feel shameful. What kind of people would willfully hurt themselves and others? Only bad people, is the logical answer. But if we believe we behaved harmfully because of our addiction, then we’re still acceptable people and deserve recovery – and help from other recovering addicts. The choice is ours. Remember, though, that even if our behaviour resulted from our addiction, we’re still responsible for our actions. When we’re attending a Twelve Step group, we have others to help us in stopping the compulsive behaviour resulting from our addictions. Shame and powerlessness get us there faster than anything else we have tried. In some addictions, such as chemical dependency, the recovery goal is abstinence. In others, such as sex, eating, spending, and work the goal is moderation, which can be more difficult. Moderation is tough for addicts who tend to live for extremes. Working the Steps helps a person learn to find balance in life. Extreme behaviours and attitudes become less attractive. When people talk about serenity, they’re talking about living a life of balance.
One way to balance our lives is to admit our own powerlessness to control our world. All of us, addict or not, are powerless to control some things, no matter how hard we try. But people who grow up in shame-based families or churches, or work for shame-based companies, don’t usually learn about powerlessness. They tend to assume that if an outcome isn’t what they wanted, then it’s their fault because they didn’t try hard enough. They don’t learn that some things they can control and some they can’t. I hear that belief often when listening to people in recovery:“I shouldn’t need help with this.”
- “If I just tried harder, I know I could control this.”
- “If I were a real man I could handle this problem on my own.”
- “I don’t need a group. I don’t want to burden them with my problems. I can handle ‘it’”.
After powerlessness, the second important concept the First Step introduces us to is unmanageability. People with too much shame are bound to have unmanageable lives. That’s damned if you do, damned if you don’t. No matter what people do they will feel shameful. Encouraging people in recovery in our drug rehab centre for example, would be to allow them to see themselves as powerless, vulnerable and not omnipotent…as most addicts in active addiction seem to think they are. Critics argue, the idea of powerlessness is problematic for two reasons. First, it can feed an addict’s sense of futility about his or her condition: Hey, if you’re powerless over your addiction, you can’t be held accountable for the actions you take as a result of your addiction, right? (Wrong, but more on that later.) Second, critics suggest that the notion of powerlessness results in the exploitation of new 12-step group members.
The Shame and powerlessness of Alcoholism
Both and powerlessness exists regardless of whether we want to see or admit to it. I am powerless over the fact that I am an alcoholic. It is my biological condition. This is true whether I am hiding in a closet with a bottle of vodka or seven years sober. What I am not powerless over are the actions I take based on the knowledge that I am an alcoholic. After years of resisting that knowledge even harder than I resisted the weakness of my body after surgery, I finally stopped fighting. Admitting I was powerless over my alcoholism did an amazing thing for me: It gave me options. All my energy had previously been focused on trying to change reality from what is to what I want it to be. Once I stopped trying to bend reality to my desires, I could see that there were things I could do to treat my alcoholism. The goal of this treatment was not to erase my addiction to alcohol, but to learn how to live a sober life while being in recovery from alcohol addiction.
Far from a defeatist attitude, realizing my own powerlessness is extremely liberating. When I realize what I am powerless over (most things), I can transfer that energy into the things I can control (my actions). For more information on shame and powerlessness contact Pathways Plett Rehab Centre, for all wellness, addictions and depression. 0445330330