Acceptance: accepting self and others
If you’ve just begun your journey, your recovery is a brand new beginning for you. Your time at Pathways, or in your own recovery, is now your time for you. For building a new you. One that is fear from obsession and addiction. Acceptance in addiction and life for that matter, is an utter fresh start. People often say that Serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted (#step1) that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me! I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them (#step3), without my interference, judgement, or assistance.
The key to my serenity, to truly doing what drugs could not do, is acceptance. But “acceptance” does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. Life on life’s terms is harsh. No one would like all of it all the time. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it… and I have to accept that fact. Nor does it mean that I have to accept “unacceptable behaviour.” Today I have choices.
I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear change or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey. I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless, but did not know it. Unaware! I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better through force — only watch as things always got progressively worse. I spent so much time trying to change the things I could not change, it never once occurred to me to simply accept them as they were.
Now when things in my life are not going the way I planned them, or downright bad things happen, I can remind myself that whatever is going on is not happening by accident. There’s a reason for it, a purpose will come, and it is not always meant for me in my humility to know what that reason is. That change in attitude has been the key to happiness for me, as it can be for you too. I know I am not the only who has found that courage, that wisdom, that serenity.
Innocence through acceptance in addiction
“The impossible becomes possible as soon as we are totally surrendered.”
David Hawkins says that “In acceptance, we enjoy the experience of harmony. We feel as though events are flowing. We feel secure. We can be of service to others without a feeling of self-sacrifice. There is the feeling: “I’m okay,” “You’re okay,” and “It’s okay.” It is a feeling of belonging, connectedness, fullness, loving, understanding, and the feeling of being understood. It is a feeling of caring, warmth, and self-worth. Because of the security of this state, we can allow ourselves to be soft, mellow, and natural. There is joy, and we feel “in tune” and relaxed. There is the feeling that it’s all right just to be ourselves. Everything Is Perfect As It Is!
In the state of acceptance in addiction, there is the feeling that nothing needs to be changed. Everything is perfect and beautiful the way it is. The world is to be enjoyed. There is compassion for others and for all living things. In this state we are automatically nurturing and supportive of others without any feeling of sacrifice. Because of the inner security and feeling of abundance, there is generosity and ease of giving, with no expectation of return or record keeping, such as, “Here’s what I am doing for you.” When we are in a state of acceptance, we love our friends instead of being critical, and we are willing to love them in spite of their limitations, which we willingly overlook. The way people appear to us from this space is that everyone is actually doing the best they can with what they have at the moment. Through acceptance in addiction we see that all of life is evolving towards its perfection, and we are in sync with the laws of the universe and consciousness. In this state we really begin to understand love. On the level of acceptance, love is experienced as a stable state, a permanent condition of a relationship. The source of love is seen to be within ourselves, emanating from our own nature and reaching out to include others.
There are many pathways that carry us to the state of acceptance, and this is the gateway which leads eventually to the next highest states, described as the consciousness levels of love and peace. To many people who have been surrendering for periods of time, this ultimate objective progressively supersedes all others. To dwell in states of unconditional love and imperturbable peace becomes the inner aim, more important than any other achievement.
Acceptance: accepting self and others
On the level of acceptance, because of the major change in the way we perceive others, we now become aware of the inner innocence behind the frantic, fear-driven struggles that have obscured it in ourselves and in our neighbours, friends, and family. The great teachers have said that the negativity which we see in a person or in society is really due to blindness, ignorance, and unconsciousness. This inner innocence, once it is perceived in others, is also perceived in ourselves. All that we did was done because we just didn’t know any better at the time. At the time we did the best we could.
From this perspective of acceptance in addiction we can begin to see innocence even behind the most rash and apparently horrible behaviors. This includes all the insane horrors of addiction we need to accept. We look inside a person and see the frightened animal that just doesn’t know any better. We are aware that, if cornered, it will surely attack us and bite. It just doesn’t realize that our intentions are peaceful, and so it flails out wildly. In the state of acceptance, it is possible to forgive our own past, as well as that of others, and to heal past resentments. It is also possible to see the hidden gift in past events about which we have been resentful—including their possible karmic significance. From this level, it is possible to create a different context from which to view the past and thereby heal it. With the final completion of the level of acceptance, we feel secure about the future and can move on to the levels of love and peace. Reason and logic become tools for the fulfillment of that potential. Another characteristic of the level of acceptance is that we are no longer concerned with moralistic judgment, with “good” and “bad.” It just becomes obvious what works and what doesn’t work. When we see the innocence in everyone, we can truly fulfill “loving our neighbor as ourselves,” and, thus, letting go has allowed us to reach a lofty goal without even the conscious attempt to do so.
The level of acceptance is characterized by the attitude of selflessness and service. This results from the surrendering of the negative feelings that create the small self, which removes our identification with it. Instead, inner harmony and peace are experienced as the nature of our greater Self. Because the negative programs have been relinquished, there is the emergence of greater creativity, inspiration, and intuition. There is certainty that our own personal needs will be met; therefore, there is a shift in relationship so that the focus is on the welfare and happiness of others. This is facilitated by the fact that, at this level, there is no longer neediness in the form of dependency on other people, because there is nothing we feel we need to “get” from them. In a relationship of loving acceptance, minor imperfections are no longer given serious importance and are overlooked. In acceptance, there is a decreased preoccupation with “doingness”.
The hallmark of this state though acceptance in addiction is the taking of responsibility for our own consciousness. No longer blaming other people, places or things. Interest in meditation and the various methods of inner contemplation is common. Spiritual and ethical matters become important. We may, for instance, attend religious retreats if we are religious, or we may engage in spiritual or humanitarian endeavors if we are oriented toward those spheres. The world is seen to be harmonious, and any alteration of that appearance is realized to be a projection onto it of our own inner conflicts. On this level, there is the awareness that all negative feelings are our own problem, and there is no longer looking outside of ourselves for their resolution.
There is a seriousness in acceptance in addiction regarding the growth of our own consciousness and self-awareness, and a focus on honing the quality of that consciousness itself. On this level, we may begin to develop an interest in the philosophy, scientific research, and spiritual classics that explore the highest potential of human mind and spirit. What becomes increasingly important is what we are becoming, not what we have or do. On this level, we take on the challenge of fulfilling our greatest inner potential and nurturing the potential and to resolve the issues at all of those levels. The power of self-healing is now available.
In acceptance in addiction, we are free to be in the present. Presence is something you must make a point of learning much more about. Once we have accepted our own true nature and the ways of the universe as they are reflected in our world, there is no longer regret about the past, nor is there fear of the future. Fear of the future no longer exists when the past has been healed. This is because in the usual ego-oriented state of consciousness, the ego tends to project the past upon the future, and a past that is viewed negatively becomes fearful when projected upon the imaginary future. Our letting go of the lower energies of guilt, fear, anger, and pride has alleviated the weight of the past and cleared the clouds of the future. We face today with optimism and are grateful to be alive. We see that yesterday is gone, tomorrow has not yet come, and we have only today. We only have the present moment. STOP! This is what we emphasize from day one. The rush, the fruitless pursuits, the catching up because we fell behind is nothing but smoke!
In summary, then, the consciousness level of acceptance is one that we all long to achieve, for it enables us to find freedom from addiction, depression and from most of life’s problems, and to experience fulfillment and happiness.”
Big Book Acceptance in addiction
This is what the Big Book of AA says about acceptance. It is pure gold, read it over, pin it on your wall! “And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
“Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.” BB pg 417, 4th edition.
For more information on acceptance in addiction contact Pathways Plett. We help patients with depression, disorder and dis-ease. info@pathwaysplettrehab.co.za