Characteristics of Controlling Behaviour

Participants in a lottery experiment believed they had more control over the outcome if they chose their numbers rather than having them randomly assigned. People believe they are less likely to get into a car accident if they are driving than if they’re riding in the passenger seat. In the game of craps, gamblers tend to throw the dice harder when they need higher numbers, evidencing an implicit belief that with “skill” they can somehow control their fortune. Control in addiction, and in life, are driving forces many of us need to know more about.

Time and again, research has demonstrated that intelligence, knowledge, and reason notwithstanding, people often believe that they have control over events in their lives, even when such control is impossible. “Control in addiction is something that comes up, in almost every case, we deal with. It is a delusion that robs people of the right to peace. We are not going to ever know what tomorrow will bring. It is something we have to accept if we want to be free”, says Mark L Lockwood, Clinical Director of Pathways Wellness Centre.

By mastering the art of controlling others, we learned how to hide through control in addiction. Hiding control in addiction works so well in fact, we ourselves may even have trouble figuring out what was going on inside our own heads and hearts. To heal we need to identify how we cover up real feelings and desires in order to discover what they truly are. Hiding the true feelings never works. The truth will ALWAYS will out.

Though we use different ways to control in addiction, depending on what works best, our controlling behaviours have similar characteristics. Using varying methods of control, we follow a predictable pattern of thinking and behaving to obtain a predictable result. Observing how and when we try to control others can help us short-circuit the habit.

What does surrender really mean?  It means addicted people must recognise they can’t do it alone and that they have been incapable of solving their own problems. Yet they will ceaselessly try and maintain control of self and others? It is a confirmation of worthlessness, inadequacy and poor character judgement of self and others.  This is quite an admission.  For the chemically dependent person to deny the problem with alcohol or other drugs and food, is to cling to the last infantile (emotional immaturity) hope for control and thus not be different or inferior to others.  The act of giving in is also a process of submitting to the deep, underlying dependent needs which the addicted person has spent much energy denying.  Why fear these infantile, dependent needs?  It would seem that to be dependent on people represents a loss of identity which cannot be faced or dealt with.

Why we use control

By feeling in control of their future the person feels motivated to take action. If this person feels like their future is out of their hands there will be no motivation to take any positive action.

 * Those people who have an internal locus of control are far more likely to engage in behaviors that will improve their life.

 * The individual will be willing to work hard and make sacrifices because they know that they will reap the rewards of doing so.

 * They will always be on the lookout for new ways to improve their life.

 * Blaming other people or life for problems tends to be an ineffective strategy. It turns the person into a passive victim instead of an active participant.

 * Those individuals who feel in control in addiction are less likely to suffer from symptoms of depression. They will tend to be optimistic and view life as an adventure rather than something to be endured.

 How Can We Stop Trying to Control

• We can look for patterns of behavior. Trying to control is an instinctive reaction. Because it is instinctive, it happens again and again. Becoming aware of our predictable, knee-jerk reactions to certain types of situations will lead us to recognize our preferred means of control- and our intended result.
• We decide to trust our own feelings and perceptions. Low self-esteem often keeps us from believing that what we feel is okay or that what we perceive is accurate. We feel apologetic about being the way we are, and we try to be the way we think we should be. We can’t identify how we feel because we haven’t given ourselves permission to feel anything. When we decide to believe in ourselves, to trust, ourselves, our self-esteem rises. We may not choose to share our feelings or to act on them, but we must learn to identify them and trust them.
• We identify alternatives. What is happening right now? If nothing changes, what real choices do we have? What are the probable consequences of each choice? Communicating indirectly, trying to get others to change, or waiting until things are different are choices. We must learn to see that we have other alternatives. This may be very difficult. We often need help in identifying alternatives, because our habitual way of handling things seems the only way to us.

“The fundamental attribution error,” and indeed, individuals who show compulsive, addictive, behavior do so because of neuropharmacological, environmental, and social reasons in addition to the complex interactions between them all. Control in addiction is a complex matter on its own. For more help with addiction, depression and control in addiction contact Pathways Centre +27445330330, or email info@pathwaysplettrehab.co.za